Some things I’ve come to find in this lifestyle, I never quite expected:
When Armando pressed me up against the wall of the nightclub and kissed me, I could have never imagined the whirlwind change of things. And truly everything changed. But it happened with such effortless ease, I pause sometimes just to wrap my head around it. “I’m in an open marriage. I fuck other men and I love it and my husband is supportive of me. Our bond has never been stronger.” All those amazing benefits I’ve come to recognize and wrote about earlier still exist.
But recently I’ve begun to reflect on the other positive changes in my life that this lifestyle has encouraged. As this website has always been more a living, open journal of my experiences and thoughts to look back on in the years to come, I thought this might be a good time to put down some of the unexpected things I’ve seen in myself as a direct product of the lifestyle.
First? Sex. I love sex, again. And I love that I love it! It’s all so new and exciting and reminds me of those first times with my husband. If you’ll recall, I had been experiencing a lot of personal doubt in this area. It feels so good knowing I am not broken. I simply needed to understand and then accept those things that turn me on: setting, surprise, the unexpected, newness. And to have my husband as my partner and support through everything is the greatest gift.
I care more about me. Twelve years of absolute devotion outside the self. While this is lauded and praised in many traditional perspectives, I’ve tried and for me it’s been difficult. That’s not to say I’m done ‘giving’ to others. I’m simply more realistic about it. I take time for me, now, and like with most things, there is more quality in the devotion to my family, friends and work.
I am more aware of my body now. I wouldn’t say I settled and let myself go once the natural reality of monogamy set in…but I certainly did settle. Now? I feel a whole new desire and need to get stronger (and more flexible). Partially this is just for me and my health. If I’m being honest with myself, it’s partially because I like the looks I get from men I know I can fuck, if I wanted.
And that leads me to my next point, I’m much more aware of the men around me and specifically the looks I get. This has not always been the case in my life. Just the opposite, I’ve never really had my radar up for male attention but now that my marriage is open, now that I love sex again, now that I’m focused on me and my body, I kind of like the appreciation. I enjoy catching the side-long glances. Or maybe a set of lingering eyes on my ass from a reflective glass. Or that one dude in the grocery story who literally stopped everything he was doing to gawk, jaw-dropped, as I walked past in my favorite green club dress. I like that.
I like experiencing my new lovers and the newness of them. I never would have thought I’d be a fan of a hairy chest. My husband is smooth. Armando is scruffy. Apparently, I like both. I never would’ve thought! Makes me wonder what else I might like…
I started this whole Vixey project simply as a way to journal my experiences. I share it out because it’s fun and comforting to connect with other, like-minded folks. What I never could have guessed are the amount of questions I’d receive. I love it, of course, because I love connecting with people but it’s amazing to see how much interest there is in the lifestyle. My husband and I had never really even known about open marriage until we started seriously exploring it as a subject and not just an activity. It’s fascinating. At first I was surprised by all the different variations and terms associated with open marriage. But now it makes sense as I have connected with other like-minded people. It is and should be a unique agreement, totally specific to each couple. This isn’t a one-shoe-fits-all lifestyle because we are all so beautifully individual, even as couples. And that deserves a shared perspective, distinctive to each marriage. I love discussing open marriage and fielding *respectful* inquiries.
And those are just a few revelatory things I’ve found, thus far. I’m excited to find more.