Full disclosure: My husband and I are by no means experts and the content found here is simply the musings of one vixen who is having fun experiencing and then writing about it.
It might be good to know, however, how it all began.
This whole thing has been a very natural progression but one neither my husband or I ever expected. It began with a little black book. Not the one with the numbers of past boyfriends (mine would be more a cutesy hallmark card than a book). No, the book that started it all was a guide to feminine orgasm. You see, I have never and still have not orgasmed, though I feel I am close. Knee-deep in graduate studies, I was in research overdrive and decided to take control of my orgasm and specifically how to finally get there. I found my husband reading it one night and this spurred a wonderfully honest and candid conversation about sexuality in general. I was a bit worried he would feel bad that I had never reached orgasm, even with him, but on the contrary the discussion became an almost shared, academic exploration of our sexuality, both together and individually.
There was much much conversation in the coming weeks. It felt like the old fire from our early days in the relationship had been rekindled. Not the sex, per se, but the communication. Intimacy is a word you’ll find in many of the perspectives regarding open marriage. Well, this was the revitalization of our intimacy. We talked openly about everything and there was no fear or judgment. We shared in mutual research of the subject of feminine desire and arousal that ultimately leads to orgasm from noted authors and professionals on the subject of sexuality.
“This was the revitalization of our intimacy. we talked openly about everything and there was no fear or judgment.”
I remember it so clear when, one day, we were sitting at the table and my husband looked up from what he was reading with a curious expression. He was reading Dr. Nagosky‘s “Come As You Are” and had just finished the chapter on ‘context’.
“You’re a beautifully practical person,” he said. And of course I met him with the necessary raise of the eyebrow because where the hell was THAT going? “What if your context is experiential?”
My lips were sealed. My brow was set. This had better be good and he knew it. We went through Dr. Nagosky‘s worksheets and sure enough, my sexy contexts all dealt with the immediate, the thrill of the unexpected. For me, arousal was a situational experience. The problem? It was difficult to achieve immediacy, suddenness and the thrill in my current role as mother and wife. Our fire hadn’t gone out. We simply were busy people. And as much as all the advice backed the idea of rekindling romance through sweet little tips and tricks and romantic getaways, none of it really worked.
Because for me there was the obvious expectation. I already knew the story.
And that’s when my academic, completely objective husband floored me with his next question:
“Why don’t we try opening your side of the marriage?”
Wait, what?
“What if we said you are free to see other men?”
Oh hell no. And I told him as much because there was no way I was EVER going to see, let alone fuck another man. Screw orgasm and desire and arousal and all the worksheets. No way was I going to commit to anything outside our marriage.
And that was that.
Right up until I was backed into a wall and kissed by a gorgeous man a few weeks later and my lady bits went wild and I felt arousal for the first time in a long time (read that sexy story here).
Here’s the thing, I never set out to enter this lifestyle. There was no planning and no thought to it, though it probably helped in the moment that subconsciously I knew my husband was ok with another man’s tongue in my mouth. The lifestyle happened because of a crazy set of coincidences. Our intimacy, our talk, and then a guy with the balls to make out with a married woman (PSA: Obviously, guys, this doesn’t give you license to back married women into walls and try to make out with them…my particular set of circumstances is a whole unique story).
I don’t believe this lifestyle is for everyone. I believe this works for my husband and I because we have established the communication and intimacy first.